Working Fail

Wanna Build A Video Game For Free?

// August 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Developing a video game takes a lot of work. The game engine needs to be programmed, all of the characters and environments need to be modeled in 3D, and the whole package needs to be tweaked, and tested for playability….. but one unpaid “intern” should be able to handle most of that, right?

From the listing:

Summary of Responsibilities: Develop Game play systems as per cross-platform applications requirements. Responsible for development of innate 3D interactive experiences.

Qualifications: Strong math skills, Familiarity with Maya, Blender, Cinema 4D or similar application, apart from on hands experience of C++, C# and Game Programming.

Job Type: Pre-Professional (Internship)

Name of Employer: Third-Row, LCC

Salary: Unpaid Internship

Specific information to apply for the position: Email Scott Shaw [scott@third-row.com]

In an internship, it’s legally required that the intern not be doing a heavy load of work, and that they be learning valuable skills while on the job. In this case, it sounds like neither is true.

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Big Ideas From A Small Mind

// June 11th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Starting a business can be a challenging, but rewarding experience. You need two things to get your fledgling venture off the ground: time, and money. While time keeps on slipping into the future, there are plenty of ways to make money for your new business. Come up with a business model, and approach local banks, ask friends and family members for a loan, tap into your savings, or sell off some stuff you’re not using anymore. Why do I put such an emphasis on money? Because no one is going to work for you for free.

From the listing:

I am looking for a web programmer. LAMP config. This is probably initially a 500 hour project. I can help with the engineering. This is a nationwide rollout with multiple viable revenue models. I have potential investors. But I need a working protoype and general proof of concept. I will bring the right person aboard forever as a shareholder.

Call me crazy, but 500 hours of work in exchange for shares in a company that may very well flop just doesn’t sound like a good trade to me. A smart, business savvy person would be able to come up with the money to pay a developer to work on the project rather than asking for handouts.

Thanks to Jim L for the tip!

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Fund And Build The Next Great Iphone App

// May 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

It amazes me how people can have big ideas for new software, but no understanding of how the world around them works.

From the listing:

We have designed the Next Killer IPhone app.. looking for talentend IPhone Programmers to build it out. If you have the skills please reply with your info/rates.
Also looking for potential investors that wants to do Revenue sharing on each IPhone app that gets bought! This is a White Hot area, we are looking for minimum investment of 25K.

Creative New Media Entrepreneur with 15 years experience in the field. I have my own design firm in the interactive web/mobile space.

Hmmm…. so they are professional designers with fifteen years of experience, but they can’t come up with a better way to get money or programmers other than fishing for hand outs on Craigslist – that sounds normal, right?

Here’s a tip for the poster. There are these buildings, every town has at least one or two, that house large supplies of money. If you go into one of them with a business plan, and a good idea , there’s a solid chance they’ll agree to lend you some of that money. They’re called banks, and you won’t find them on CL.You could then take some of that money, and use it to hire programmers. Problem solved!

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Build Us A Linux Distro, We’ll Give You Stock Options!

// May 20th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Taking the Linux kernel and building a new distribution of Linux around it is a lengthy task. Depending on the level of customization the new distro is intended to have, the process could take a team of programmers weeks or months to complete the project. So, taking all of that into consideration, one person should be able to build a custom Linux distro quickly and for free, right?

From the listing:

need Linux Person to construct new distro with virtual for four main server elements:
1. VOIP-/SOFT PBX; 2. crm; 3. COLLABORATION; 4. email marketing.

this is your chance to make a rep in the LInux/open source world and to be part of the inner sanctum of the next big startup. Earnings include commissions and royalties and stock options.

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Instead of trying to squeeze a free linux distro out of someone, why not consider googling what software to use for your needs? You probably don’t need your own distro, just some software, and google can provide some suggestions on what to use free of charge.

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Funniest Job Descriptions from Employees

// May 5th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Over at The Dilbert Blog they asked readers to describe their job in 1 sentence (in a funny and derogatory want).

Here’s what we had to say about some of our past jobs jobs:

Our Responses

• “Do something, show it to my boss, she makes 1 change and I let her pretend the whole thing was her idea.” – In-house Graphic Designer
• “Getting screamed at by strangers and called a freak.” – Costumed Sign Holder
• “Preventing weirdos from committing sex crimes.” – Illustrator (specializing in risque art)
• “Riling up drunks who wanted to hear music.” – Stand-Up Comedian
• “Constantly explain the need for my services to people who’ve already purchased them.” – Freelance Graphic Designer
• “Doing what engineers could do themselves if they’d bother to learn how to use the software.” – CAD Designer
• “Making people look the way others don’t see them.” – Photo Retouch Artist
• “Pretending that I know what I’m talking about.” – Copywriter for Gadget Site
• “Helping people exchange what they bought for what I told them they should have bought last week.” – Retail
• “When chumps break it, I fix it.” – Computer Repair Tech
• “Free babysitter for vacationers.” – Lifeguard at Resort

Here are some the responses from The Dilbert Blog:

Education

• “I copy and paste the Internet.” – Student
• “I get paid to teach your kids enough to complain, but not enough to make a difference.” – College teacher
• “I find ways of doing nothing faster and more efficiently.” – Student
• “I lie to impressionable teenagers that language skills are vital to their lives.” – High School English Teacher
• “My job is to talk in other people’s sleep.” – College professor.
• “Watching the lunatics take over the asylum.” *Teacher.
• “I take your children, puncture their idealism, fill their brains full of theoretical nonsense, and turn them into your employees.” – College Teacher
• “I make sure no child is left behind, even if they should be.” – Teacher
• “I tell people who don’t care about things that don’t matter.” – Teacher

Service & Retail

• “My job is to be as aggressively unhelpful as possible.” – Guest Service Rep
• “My job is to lie to people. Day in Day out.” – Sales & Business Development
• “My job is to go to strange peoples houses and take their money…” – Pizza Delivery
• “My job is to sell gluttony.” – Movie Theatre Snack Clerk
• “It’s my job to pull meat.” – Sandwich Maker

(more…)

iPhone Application Designer Needed! No Need To Worry About Pay….

// April 29th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

…Because there is none!

From the listing:

We are looking for a skilled iPhone/iPod application designer/programmer for several projects.
If you are interested please reply.

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Wow…. an experienced developer that will provide quality work for no pay…  such a mythical creature would surely arrive to work every day on his magical unicorn.

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