Working Fail

Just Because Your Coffee House Is Doing Poorly Doesn’t Make it “Non Profit”

// August 4th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Non profit organizations often do very good work for charitable causes. Those organizations generally accept and process donations on behalf of a charity. Sometimes, they offer a product or service in exchange for you donation. Let’s be clear though – retailers and restaurants are seldom in business for someone else’s gain.

From the listing:

We’re looking for someone who loves acoustic music and would love to design some posters / flyers for our non-profit coffeehouse in Marblehead.
We’d love to develop a cool “branding” for our posters —something eye catching and very friendly—-
Our season starts in mid-September so we’ll need our September posters soon!

Perks: free admission to shows and a great deal on drinks / goodies.

Hope to hear from you!

So in exchange for hundreds of dollars worth of work, I’ll get a couple free cups of coffee, and admission into some shows…. no thanks, I’ll just take the money.

Also, a non profit coffee house?? Seriously? At least come up with a believable lie when you’re fishing for free labor.

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Who Needs Money When You Could Get Paid In CD And DVD Related Products?

// June 29th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Funny Job Listings

After the apocalypse, the world will be plunged into chaos. Cities will fall, panic will fill the streets, and civilization as we know it will come to an end. All hope is not lost though. Humanity has a way of carrying on, and carry on we will. From the remnants of our old society a new way of life shall spring forth. A society where CD’s and DVD’s will be used as currency. Each disc will equate to roughly $2.42 USD, and those with more disc based media will have the new world at their fingertips.

Too bad we live in a PRE-apacolypse  world where CD’s, DVD’s, and products related to them won’t put food on the table.

From the listing:

Looking for Web Developer with knowledge and/or interest in CD and DVD technologies. The page was taken down a few years ago. All source, content, graphics archived and existing but something lost in last backup. Need someone to check index and fix source and generally update to current standards. I supply the updated content, you fix and update the source (remove frames, some redesign, maximize pickup for crawlers, add code for advertising service(s), Ads by Google, maybe others) Ad experience a plus. Possibility for ongoing maintenance.

Telecommuting, some face to face meetings may be required, so need to be in greater Metro Denver area. Please attach resume and links to pages you have done.

Possible ad revenue sharing to be discussed in addition to compensation listed below.

• Location: Greater Denver Metro – Telecommute
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Latest CD and DVD hardware, software, recorders, players, other goodies from major manufacturers.

I’ll start work on your site immediately after the above mentioned apocalypse, assuming we both survive.

Thanks to Josh for the tip!

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We Need A Photographer Who Wants To Lose A Few Pounds

// June 18th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

As we’ve pointed out before, photography services generally start at around $70 per hour, but those prices can vary, and when the shoot in question is being done for commercial purposes, you can bet the price will go up a great deal. The reason for that rate increase is simple. Any photographs taken for commercial purposes will likely wind up in brochures, on the company website, and in any other relevant marketing materials. In other words, why should the photographer help you to generate thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of business over the coming years for a scant $70 per hour?

From the listing:

Upscale women’s fitness studio Located in the trendy Northeast Warehouse District in Downtown Minneapolis! The Studio is a fun, high-energy dance and fitness center specializing in sensual dances and pole fitness. We are looking to do a photo shoot with our current staff, and in exchange for the photo shoot and photography services we are offering a 3 month membership to our studio (valued @ $375). Please send a resume, and a brief description as to why you would like the job to fasstudio@yahoo.com

Thanks

Wow, a free membership! That would have cost me a whopping $375, and it’s costing you absolutely nothing! Hmmm…. a 3 month gym membership, or thousands of dollars…. I’ve got it! You pay me a fair rate for my work, and if I want a gym membership, I’ll sign up for one!

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Something Just Doesn’t Add Up

// May 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Websites definitely take some time and energy to build, and launch, however, if you’re on a budget, a simple website can be had for $300 – $500 – maybe even less if you’re looking for something REALLY simple. You would think $300 would be no problem for someone claiming to be at the top of their field.

From the listing:

I am looking for some assistance on updating my website. Looking to exchange skills. I am a credited After Effects teacher and award winning designer / animator. If you are interested in learning After effects or need some design or animation perhaps we can assist one another.

thanks

• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

So you’re an “award winning” designer, and a professional After Effects teacher, but you just can’t drum up the cash to pay someone for the work you would like them to do….. let me ask you a couple questions here. Exactly what award did you win? Was this award issued by a friend or family member? Did it come in the form of a “world’s greatest parent” coffee mug?

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Design My Logo – I Don’t Have Any Money, But I’ll Give You A Massage!

// May 16th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Designing a logo is a painstaking process. The designer has to figure out exactly what it is that the client wants. That’s not as easy as it sounds. Often, several rounds of revisions are needed to get the logo to look exactly as the client wants it to look. The process can be both lengthy and stressful. Fortunately, all that stress will be melted away by the massage you’ll get in exchange for your hours upon hours of work.

From the listing:

 I’m Looking for someone to make me a logo simple as that. I’m opening my own Private Practice here in town and need the logo done as soon as possible. I’m offering either one (1) or two (2) massages for the service. If you respond please live in Arizona.

I only have one question: Do the massages come with a happy ending?

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Paid Internship! And By Paid We Mean Not Paid

// May 12th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

It’s totally understandable that internships aren’t always paid… in very competitive industries it’s often the only way to get the experience you need. And if an internship is paid, that’s really great. Unfortunately not everyone seems to know what “paid” means.

From the listing:

Paid marketing internship at a local music company (Minneapolis)

Our company is currently hiring summer marketing interns. We encourage both men and women to apply but are particularly interested in providing opportunities to aspiring female marketing students.

For the qualified college aged individual, this would allow you to get hands on experience working with local and national acts, learn about the operations of a full-scale music company and be behind the scenes for the music making process: recording sessions, photo shoots, video shoots and putting on large scale shows.

Hands on learning would come from creating marketing materials and assisting with promotional efforts.

Qualifications:
Exceptional computer skills
Prefer experience with InDesign, Photoshop, Illustrator and Final Cut Pro
Excellent written skills
Excellent communication skills
Ability to multi-task
Quick learner

After completing 100 hours our interns would be eligible for $700 of studio time, photography, videography or shared music practice space. Please provide a resume and cover letter when replying.

* Location: Minneapolis
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $700 in studio time, photography, videography or shared practice space

So you’re looking for someone who’s skilled in graphics and writing and you’re offering them studio time at your music company in exchange for 100 hours of their time. Can I just take the $7 an hour?

Oh and I’m sure that you are interested in providing females a (small) opportunity you perverts…

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Free Lifetime Membership To The Website You Build For Me

// May 4th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

I never expect to get free things from clients. Some clients offer very expensive services and it just wouldn’t be realistic for them to exchange their service for a website. But in my experience I’ve designed websites for authors who’ve sent me a free copy of their book and I always appreciate it. It’s not a substitute for payment obviously, but it’s a really nice tip.

That said when I work on a community website for someone, I could care less if they offer me a free membership, unless of course it’s porn (and even then, it depends on the porn). So when someone wants to trade a membership and a “minimal fee” for the work I laugh until milk comes out my nose (even when I wasn’t drinking milk).

From the listing:

I am interested in someone who can help design a multi user blog for my new venture. If you can do this, I will offer you a lifetime membership with my social networking plus pay a minimal fee for your work. The idea is a Universal Blogsite that will include video posting and blogging. Can you? Then let’s talk. Reward will be outstanding. Please respond with credentials as a developer and a viable way to confirm your previous work. The site is intended to rival Youtube/Twitter in contents and quality. Brand new niche untapped. Thanks

* Location: Atlanta, GA
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: no pay

A universal blogsite… meaning you have no niche and don’t know who the market is? I think blogging and videos aren’t really a “new niche.” They’re certainly not new and not really a niche. It’s intended to rival twitter and youtube, but apparently you have to pay for it because why else would you offer something any of your users could get for free as payment? On the down sound this is the stupidest and more vague business model I’ve ever heard of. On the bright side it sounds like a business model no one has tried yet… unless of course you count Twitter and Youtube.

Can you? Then let’s talk!

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These Kind of Listings Are Why We Do This Folks!

// May 2nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Here’s an example of everything that we hate in a job listing:

We’re a small clothing company and need some help with some small changes on a wordpress blog. Nothing too involved and shouldn’t take too long. We’re trading shirts for your services NO PAY. Students welcome.

Thanks,

Alex

* Compensation: no pay

To understand this listing, we refer to “Craigslist Job Posters – What they Say Vs What they Mean”

So let’s go through the list:

You say “nothing too involved” implying that it’s easy and anyone could do it (except you obviously because you need help).

You also say “shouldn’t take too long” which is a passive aggressive way to make someone feel like if it takes them a long time they are inadequate because you, who have very little knowledge of web editing thinks it’s no big deal.

“NO PAY” …because obviously it’s not that important or difficult… except it IS important enough that you’re asking someone to do it for you, and obviously you lack the know how to do it yourself.

“Students welcome” implies that students don’t have their own projects they practice on and don’t need extra money either. Also, this since this is just some small changes, it’s not like they can use it in a portfolio, so what exactly are you offering to these students?

Oh well, at least you get shirts. I would charge 1 $20 shirt an hour, how about it Alex?

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