Working Fail

No One Really Understands SEO

// August 5th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Funny Job Listings

SEO (search engine optimization) is extremely complex, but at the end of the day, it really depends on your content. If you don’t have content relevant to your desired search terms, then no amount of effort from an SEO expert can keep you at the top of your desired google and yahoo searches.

From the listing:

looking for a one man shop, not a company, to help me optimize our already established webpage on google and yahoo to start appearing on the first page. I don’t believe that I should actually have to pay the $$Thousands that these companies are asking for to get this to happen. If you know how to help, please contact me. Looking for immediate help.

• Location: Oak Park
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Depending on results

The fact that the pay depends on performance implies two things: first, that you won’t be paid until the work is done, and second, that if they don’t feel like they’re coming up high enough in search results, they will take it out of your pay. As stated above, the search placement depends in part on the efforts of the SEO expert, and on the efforts of the site owner. Basing your potential pay on results could result in low pay for the employee due to the actions of the employer – needless to say, we advise against taking work like this.

Full Listing

Seeking Wicked Smart, Hard Working Writer For Good Times, No Pay!

// August 3rd, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

If you’re looking to work in internet marketing, it’s very important to build your own personal brand. You want your industry peers to know who you are, and you must earn their respect and attention. If you’re going to have someone else do all of that for you, we strongly suggest that you at least offer them a fair wage.

From the listing:

If you enjoy reading and learning about marketing, especially Internet related marketing, this may be the internship for you. I need someone to go and read marketing and business material at a variety of blogs and news sources online, and make real (not spammy) comments (thought provoking or insightful or funny comments) on the content of each of the posts on those blogs.

You must be:

Wicked smart
Detail oriented
A great communicator
Trustworthy
Hardworking
Adaptable
Insightful
A native English speaker
Someone who LOVES business/marketing
Someone who has an extremely positive attitude toward life
Someone with your own computer and internet connection
Someone with an intense desire to win and be the best
Someone who works independently

Funny is a plus
Speed reading skills a plus.

I expect you to be a rock star at writing.

You will be making connections with some of the most popular business/marketing minds in the English-speaking world, so it’s important that your comments are interesting, helpful, and build relationships within the blogs you’re commenting on.

You will need to respond to the content as soon as possible after it is posted (which means subscribing to the blogs in an RSS Reader like Google Reader, and possibly having updates sent to your phone or email, whichever will let you post responses most quickly).

If you’re not familiar with RSS/XML/Google Reader, this internship isn’t for you.

I will be sending you an OPML (XML) list of blogs you will need to import and then read and monitor in your Google Reader account.

The first 30-45 days of this work will be an unpaid internship. At which time, if there is a mutual fit and the work you’ve done has been done in a quality fashion, we will negotiate an hourly rate not to exceed $9/hour.

So they want someone to build their personal brand for them without pay for the first month, and then for substandard pay after that? A word to the wise – don’t underpay the people that control how the rest of the world views you… it could very well blow up in your face.

Thanks to Carrie for the tip!

Full Listing

If This “Opportunity” Was Rare We Wouldn’t Have a Site

// July 21st, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

It seems like every day we come across someone looking for a photohsop wiz who doesn’t like money. At least this listing was pretty straight forward about what they’re looking for…

From the listing:

“YOU: are bored and broke and spend too much time in front of photoshop. you don’t have a degree. did i mention bored?

US: a busy, and (almost) broke non-profit org that helps kids with music – shows, recordings, cds, etc. too much going on and we can’t afford to hire anyone who is long term OR with a degree or anyone who has any pride or expectations whatsoever.

this is just something to do, and if you only do it once or twice that’s cool cause you’ll make $20 once in a while. please reply!

steve

IMPORTANT: if you don’t reply with a phone number someone else will get the job before you do. This shouldn’t go just for this ad – but any ad you ever reply to in the future by anyone. I had over twenty replies to my last post and most didn’t leave a phone number. I don’t have time for email tag I need this done YESTERDAY also it will be another 3 or 4 days before i have another opportunity to get on the net so don’t worry if I don’t reply asap.

ALSO: if you have a resume, or an LLC or a production company you’re probably overqualified. I’m providing a rare opportunity for a young upcoming designer to get started with something to add to the portfolio. or a broke student who needs cash. if you are a PROFESSIONAL then please step out of the way so the little guy can get a chance. “

You know what? I don’t have a degree but I’ve got a really nice portfolio, so STFU! If you have talent, you’ll find PAID work… don’t give guys like this any of your time.

Full Listing

Make Fifty Cents An Hour! Must Be Some Good In Typing!

// July 20th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Are you a hobo with internet access? Have I got a job for you! You could earn an impressive 50 cents per hour!

From the listing:

You need to convert captcha to text.

1) You must work atleast 2 hours a day

2) I can pay only 0.5 $ per hour.

3)Please talk  or chat with me through gtalk(lokesh755@gmail.com) or through skype(lokesh755).

4)You must be some good in typing..

Lowest bid gets work soon..

The thing I find most upsetting is that he expects offers lower than the “0.5$” (more commonly known as fifty cents) per hour that he’s offering.

Thanks to Worth More for the tip!

Full Listing

Re of the Week: You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth

// July 13th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

In this case we didn’t get to the original quick enough, but we remember coming across it. Basically someone was asking for Voice Over work for $1.30 per 8 seconds of usable audio… which you can probably guess is not the way this works.

Read the response below:

“I am curious as to how you arrived at that figure. It is so low and out of the ballpark as to be insulting. Voice work is priced not only by the amount of time spent recording, but also by how the recordings are going to be used. There is a derisive term for people in VO who work cheap, “dollar a holler”, and most often they are not very good. If you want any quality at all, be prepared to budget realistically. $1.30 is less than a cup of coffee, and you want to use someone’s voice unto perpetuity for that amount??? You’d be well served by researching what VO goes for in the real world, and repost when you allocate realistic budget for this. NOBODY should respond to this ad, except to ask fair rates for the work, which will most likely be used and reused without any further pay to you.”

Full Listing

I Don’t Have The Software But If I Did It Would Be Easy

// July 10th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

If you don’t have software or time, you’re gonna have to pay someone who does. Why is that so hard for some people?

From the listing:

“I’m working with a band that needs some digital flyers/banners for its myspace page. The concept is very simple, but I don’t have the software or time to devote to the project.

If you’d like to know more, please contact me. Pay is $5-10 per flyer.

Thanks,
Joey”

No, you don’t have the $1000+ software, but apparently some high school kid who’s perfectly happy to work for less than minimum wage does. Hooray!

Full Listing

We Need You to Be FAST Because We’re Paying Hourly

// July 10th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Funny Job Listings

It never stops amazing us how employers insist that they need someone amazing and fast and offer entry level (or lower) wages.

From the listing:

“Local Retail Ad Agency in Woodstock needs a graphic artist or production artist who is a whiz at Photoshop.

WE NEED SPEED! I’m talking about building full page retail automotive ads from scratch in an hour. You need to know photoshop inside and out and be the quickest with the quick keys. You’ll get to spend some time on stuff and do cool TV graphics and design work from time to time but the most important thing is that you can work on warp speed.

We have a laid back atmosphere in Woodstock but the pace of work is FAST, FAST, FAST. We have to crank out car ads like crazy.

Did I mention you need to be fast? I’m talking blue streak, greased lightning, break-neck, faster-than-a-speeding bullet, outrunning Wally West kinda speed. The Speedy Gonzales of the G-5, the mad man of the Mac….well you get the drift.

Looking for freelancers who can work 3 days a week from our office but will absolutely turn into a full-time salaried position if you’re the right guy or gal.

Send your resume and some RETAIL samples.

* Location: Woodstock
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $125 per day or $12.50 per hour “

You’re not gonna get anyone as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog at $12.50 and hour. If you’re looking for someone fast and talented why not offer a fair flat rate per project? Decent graphic designers make that (or more) right out of school and rarely have the kind of hot key knowledge or tricks to get the job done that fast… that usually comes with years of practice.

Full Listing

Edgy New Way To Ask for Cheap Work!

// July 9th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

You ever see one of those listings for a logo design that’s just not offering that much money and they don’t pay up front. What a waste of time right? Yeah, well this one’s got a 5 minute video you have to watch too.

“Hi Craigslisters

I’m looking for someone who can help me with a simple logo project. I’m offering $150 in compensation via check or PayPal. Check out the scoop on this little project via a description of what I’m looking for which I posted on YouTube, and you’ll also get an idea of who I am so we can feel more comfortable working together for this short project.

Here’s the link –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiP-K12l58Y

Please send your resume, a .pdf sample of your work or any other way you want to demonstrate your skills to davis [at] gotokarma.com so I can get an idea of what you can do.

Thanks and I hope to hear from you soon. “

Seriously, I wouldn’t sit through that entire video for $150 let alone just send free ideas to this guy. It sounds that he’s trying to outsource his own work to get cheap ideas. That seems likely when you check out his website, http://www.karmaentrepreneur.com/ He says he’ll pay you when the work is done, but we’re going to suggest that you draft a contract before starting. He expects hundreds of submissions, but with only 5 views on the video it doesn’t seem likely. Despite his “great results” we suggest staying away from cheap guys who fancy themselves clever entrepreneurs.

Full Listing

RE of the Week: Helpful DIY Tips

// July 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Someone needs a wordpress site on a shoestring budget and one person had some brilliant advice.

Original Listing:

“Graphic design for Wordpress (Lower East Side)

Needed: a simple graphic (three column table displaying service offerings) for a Wordpress website, which can be edited by me from within Wordpress. Looking for a clean, minimalist design to compliment the site. If you’re talented, it should take no more than a half-hour. Thanks for reading.

•it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
•Compensation: $30

* Location: In Responce
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $30 I’m RIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!! “

Reply:

“Here’s what you do, go to Walmart with your $30 and buy some crayons
and a pad art paper and do it yourself.
Should take no more than a half-hour”

Full Listing

Photo by anne.oeldorf

That’s So Funny I Forgot to Get Paid!

// July 6th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Why yes, I’d love to come to your house to edit hours and hours of footage for very little pay.

“I am a comedian and have a whole bunch of mini DV tapes that need to be edited. I have all the hardware and software necessary, I just need someone to come over and edit this stuff. I can pay $10 per hour cash. Sorry it isn’t more, but that’s all I can afford.

Please give me an idea of your experience and what hardware/software you have used for editing.”

Ha ha just kidding! Seriously, you’re HILARIOUS!

Full Listing