Working Fail

Enjoy Your Hepatitis.

// May 26th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Tattooing is so much more than having needles, ink, and a chair. It’s even more than being a talented artist. Tattooing requires incredible people skills, patience in high stress situations, and most importantly an extensive knowledge of sterilization and blood borne pathogen prevention. Knowing this I’m always amazed how frequently I find ads like this.

Having a housewarming and would like to have a tattoo artist there
I can pay a deposit if needed, and you will be doing over ten tats.
email me the party will be in june 5th

* Location: hamilton
* Compensation: 40+ per tat

I’m going to be straight. For the most part, in home tattoo parties are a BAD IDEA. Even a well prepared and sterile artist will struggle to maintain sanitation in the given work space, because they cannot completely control the environment. Yet why do so many people insist on these parties being in their home instead of making a group booking at a shop? One because they are cheap bastards hoping to save some money by skirting the added percent charged by the shop owner…and two, because they are whiny little punks that want to be drunk for their tat so they don’t have to feel any pain. Piece of advice, if an artist is willing to work on you while under the influence of anything, they are bad at what they do and you are willfully endangering yourself. You’re better off being embarrassed and shedding a few tears than bleeding uncontrollably because of thinned blood, or getting stabbed because you forgot how much you like to shake your ass or throw punches when tipsy.

Assuming you could find one in the small percentage of artists capable and willing to do home parties. Do you honestly think they’ll be available with under two weeks notice? Better yet, do you think they’re willing to haul all their equipment off to your place for $40 a tattoo? I’ve seen tattoo shop rules stating not to ask what you can get for $50.

Lastly, it seems this ad has neglected the pesky little detail of time. Sure a really small tattoo can take under 20 minutes to produce, but prep, cleaning, and sterilization need time as well. New needles still need to be sterilized, stencils need to be made, flesh needs to be cleaned and possibly shaved and the most time consuming part of them all is making people settle on size placement and all those other details everyone neglects til the last second. In most cases I’ve seen people wait at least 30 minutes before getting their tattoo. Hope you know how to occupy 9 other people for what would probably add up to several hours of waiting…without booze.

If you manage to score an artist that’s schedule is wide open, I wish you luck with your cheap tattoo party, and hope you enjoy your hepatitis.

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Image by Gaetan Lee

Design Us A Full Featured Website In Three Days

// May 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

First, the listing itself.

here is what I need…. did to my website affiliate program add..switch os commerces…online employment app…a video add.. product display switch around. please note this is a TBD if our cosmetics company choose you to do this project you will be our head webmaster working for our company you must be fast paced virtual world and be able to trouble shoot.we would prefer to work with a individual than a large over price company. this project MUST BE FINISH in THREE DAYS…

PLEASE NO COMPANIES …..PLEASE NO COMPANIES

• Location: USA
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: TBD

Now, my translation of the listing.

We would like to add some affiliate programs to our site, switch our shopping cart software over to OS Commerce, add an online employment application, add a video, and switch around some of our product displays. Please note, we have no idea what to pay for any of this, nor do we know how long it should take you, however, if we choose you for this project you will be our primary webmaster. In order to get this job, you must be a fast paced virtual world. Yup, you read that right, we require all applicants to be a world unto themselves. We would prefer to work with an individual rather than a large, over priced company. We’ve found that it’s much easier to get a single person to work for a substandard wage than a sub-contracting company. Also, this project must be done in THREE DAYS. As I said before, we don’t really know how long any of this takes, but you should be able to do it all in three days time, as that is our deadline for all of these changes, and we lack the foresight to plan ahead. We look forward to hearing from you!

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Stand Up Comic Seeks Photographer For Good Times, And Low Pay

// May 21st, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

As I’ve said before on this site, photography generally starts at $75 per hour. That price goes up significantly when the photos being taken are intended for commercial use.

From the listing:

We’re a comedy media company (Rooftop Comedy) looking for a somewhat experienced photographer to shoot a headlining comedian for her CD album cover. It’s late notice, but the shoot will be tomorrow, Friday, May 22nd at 5pm and shouldn’t take more than an hour. It will be at her downtown hotel near the Punch Line in the Embarcadero Center. We are on a very limited budget so you’ll receive $50 and of course credit in the printed album. Please email annie@rooftopcomedy.com if interested. Students and amateur photographers welcome, but please send some credits or portfolio link.

Thanks!

Just to be clear, an album cover definitely counts as commercial use. Every time that album gets sold, the picture on the cover is getting sold with it, and the photographer should absolutely be compensated accordingly. Also, it’s short notice – the shoot is supposed to happen TOMORROW! That fact alone merits a higher hourly rate. Maybe I’m being harsh. After all, the shoot is for a stand up comedian, maybe the whole thing is a joke!

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We Don’t Know How to Tweak Our Site, but We Know it’ll Only Take You Five Hours

// April 30th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

They know what changes they want, and they know how long it will take you to implement them. How nice of them to plan your schedule for you without ever even telling you exactly what changes they need done!

From the listing:

We need an experienced web developer to implement changes on our website. We know what we want. We just need someone to make the changes. The site is written in PHP/Dreamweaver. The changes should take no more than 5 hours. We will pay $200 for the project. The changes are straight-forward, but we want someone who is experienced and professional, works quickly and can help us on an on-going basis to upgrade the site once this round of changes is complete. Chicago-area providers only. Our office is 20 min West of Loop at Harlem Ave. BNSF/Metra stop. We prefer that you do the work here on your laptop, but will consider remote work. We need the work completed by Monday, May 5 and it can be done over the weekend. Website is www.trumpetnetworks.com.

• Location: Riverside
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Tweaking a website can often be a large, and time consuming project. There’s no way to know how competent the original designer was without looking at their code. The code could be a complete train wreck, but it should still only take five hours to implement any number of unnamed changes. Oh, and it’s due May 5th – chop chop!!

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We Need a Designer to Save Our Butts on This Deadline FOR FREE!

// April 30th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

When we see a listing asking for a big favor like coming in this week for 4 days, including Saturday and Sunday, we would like to see a pretty penny attached to the project. After all, taking that job would mean saving your butt so you could meet deadline. But for some reason employers will list an urgent plea, but forget to name a price… making us feel like it’s probably a waste of time. Seriously, who wants to get examples of their work and resume to someone who seems to think that graphic design is volunteer work.

From the listing:

I need a designer to step in and take over a project that needs to be finished by this weekend. You should be available to work Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday if needed. Must have own equipment. Must be able to meet with project manager frequently to receive copy.

Project: 16 page full color magazine/coupon booklet. There are three books. I need someone to finish the layout and do any last minute ad design/revisions.

The regular designer is going out of town and will be unable to finish the project. The books have been started, numerous ads have been started, someone just needs to step in and help me meet my deadline.

You need Photoshop and Indesign CS3, preferably. Later versions of CS also okay. You’ll be working from InDesign templates to place the ads. Please email me your resume and portfolio link and we will discuss payment. Please only reply if you are very detail organized and dependable. Thanks!

* Compensation: no pay

Yikes. Doesn’t anyone realize that no pay implies that, you know, you’re not paying?

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