Working Fail

You Need a Suit, A Camera and No Understanding of Math

// June 6th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Funny Job Listings

It’s weird how people will insist you have certain equipment, but no understanding of how you pay for said equipment.

From the listing:

“Looking for a professional photographer to cover an exhibit opening at a museum tonight, June 5th.

Location: Baltimore, close to the Univ of MD Hospital on Greene St & Lombard.

You must be very professional, fast, courteous, and make great portrait photos. Dress code: suite.

Please email references to your online portfolio and what camera / flash system will you use. Minimum resolution 10MP.

Event starts at 6pm sharp, and ends at 10pm (possibly much earlier, but maybe not.)

Pay is $60 when you submit JPEGs of the photos made.”

So a decent professional 10 Megapixel camera is gonna cost you around $800 just for the body and a few hundred more for the lens. And we don’t want to tell you how to shop for a suit, but right now I can’t afford a new one. These kind of expenses factor into why a professional photographer who can conduct themselves properly charge what they charge… you need to cover your time, your equipment and upkeep and of course decent attire. $60 after the fact for pics just doesn’t cut it.

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Do You Have a Mac, Final Cut Pro and No Desire to Make Money?

// May 15th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

We want to make one thing clear before you read this post… editing 4 hours of footage takes WAY longer than 4 hours. You have to go through it all, watch it, cut out the best shots, put things together and make sure the shots have continuity… a skilled editor might get it done in 8, depending on what needed to be done. It could take longer… a lot longer.

From the listing:

Vacancy: Editor
Employer: Freelance Producer
Location: Hollywood
Duration: A one day job, starts NOW

Payment is on a lo/no/deferred basis.
I’m in need of a FCP editor to put together 4 hours of footage that includes interviews and action shots at a sporting event. I’m looking to have the final piece be about 5-7 minutes. The final piece will be for the web and TV. All media is on MiniDV tapes.

There is NO pay unfortunately but you can use any of the footage and edited material for your reel.

Please let me know in your cover letter that you read this and understand that there is no pay involved.

Thanks!

Asking someone to edit your film, with Final Cut Pro no less, is a tall order. That’s not cheap editing software (which only runs on the not so cheap mac) and someone with those kind of resources probably has their own camera equipment and does their own videography, whether for school, recreation or professionally.

Take it from someone who’s made the mistake of helping amateurs edit video, they NEVER get enough good shots for you to work with. This might be doable but there’s no guarantee it would make a good portfolio piece.

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Shoot And Edit Our Sitcom With Your Professional Equipment! Pay? What’s That?

// May 9th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

You know what I like to do for fun on an easy breezy Sunday afternoon? Lug a bunch of video and lighting equipment around, and then spend hours at the computer editing a crappy online sitcom for someone who doesn’t even know how to spell sitcom.

From the listing:

SEEKING SELF-STARTER FOR ON-LINE SITCOME, INTERNS WELCOME. MUST HAVE 3CCD CAMERA AND LIGHTS, BE EFFICIENT IN FINAL CUT/PREMIER AND DIGITAL EDITING

www.youtube.com/metrosouthmedia

• Location: METRO ATLANTA
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

If you want a talented videographer, you’re going to have to pay them for their time and effort. Alternately you could get a camera yourself, and have a friend shoot your “ON-LINE SITCOME” for you. Alternately you could stick to selling  furniture.

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Have A Camera but No Food or Gas Money?

// May 9th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

If you have your own video camera, and professional video editing software but no food or gas money then this gig is for you!

From the listing:

Are you a video editor/camera person who is looking to build your resume and be involved in a fun portfolio jump-start project? We are an online magazine catering to the emerging industries of underground sport, music, and art.

We are seeking a multitalented and versatile creative talent and team player to be involved in the creative process to work on cutting edge work.

You will be working with a team that will contribute towards covering the larger amateur and professional pool (billiards) events in Vegas all year, including an international championships.

The project will require a combination of shooting film and editing video daily and turning around work quickly. You will be working with a team who will guide and direct you and work with you each step of the way.

This gig will result in a strong body of work in a short period of time to add to your portfolio. This is a non-paying gig, however we will cover food and gas expenses.

If you are a team player who has professional equipment including a camera and final cut editing software, and are interested in working with a great team… we are interested in hearing from you.

The event will take place from May 9th through the 16th.

Actually, for an afternoon, maybe this would be kind of fun. But for 8 days of filming (and several days of editing) I hope that when they say they cover gas and food they mean they’ll be buying your groceries and filling your gas tank for at least the next 3 months!

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Photography Slave Needed – Please, No Fatties

// May 8th, 2009 // 3 Comments » // Funny Job Listings

When a professional photographer or photography company is hired to snap some pictures of an event, they usually aren’t doing so for less than $70 an hour. Why deal with all the hassle of striking out on your own, and making a real living as a photographer when you could work for a small company making $8 per hour? Now that’s pimp money right there.

From the listing:

Our small company is looking for part time photographers to shoot youth action-sporting events such as baseball & softball tournaments. You must have your own digital equipment at least 8 megapixels with zoom and or telephoto lenses. We are a small photography business from the Burlington County; we handle sporting events along with team and individual portraits for various sports leagues. You should be eager and enthusiastic to work hard and have good organizational skills. You might be utilized to take pictures at some events and handle order taking at another. Customer service is very important to us, you must be good with people of all ages and be pleasing to the eye. No age restrictions and you must be punctual.
Must be ok with working on your feet for long hours is a must.
Please include work experience and a photo of yourself with your response.
This is a relaxed fun work environment.

• Location: Burlington / Moorestown / Delran Area
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Commensurate with experience ($8 – $12 per hr)

So to get this job you have to be talented, punctual, organized, have your own equipment, AND be attractive? Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll stick to freelance where I make more money, and can be as disorganized and ugly as I wanna be.

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Seeking Freelance Graphic Designers for…. ?

// May 7th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Hey Graphic Designers! Are you registered as a business and own your own copy of Photoshop? Great! We want to quiz you and not tell you what this is for.

From the listing:

Seeking Freelance Graphic Designers (Must be registered as a business with a business license.) STATE of OREGON ONLY and business must be in PORTLAND!

Work entails producing presentations, (and a variety of other deliverables), within specific guidelines with a crisp, clean corporate look and feel.

Applicants must be PC based, own and be highly experienced with the following applications: Adobe Photoshop CS3 (or 4), Adobe Illustrator CS3 (or 4), and PowerPoint 2003 (or 2007). They must also be well organized, self motivated and detail oriented—with the ability to reorganize, clarify and enhance the display of pertinent information through graphics.

Candidates are required to pass a practical exam. Pay is based on demonstrated skills/abilities. Please send your résumé along with samples of your PowerPoint slides, graphics, graphs and charts (before and after examples are preferred) for review.

Qualified applicants will be contacted to schedule an interview.

Is anyone else just a tad bit confused? I guess they’re looking for someone to do some freelance work for them since they specify that you should own your own software, but they’re no information about what they need. And they require you to pass an exam and interview… but it’s not for a job. What ever happened to sending your resume and portfolio? If you want that much from your candidates, at least give us a bit more to go on… what’s the pay? What’s the gig? How long will it last? This trend of asking freelancers to jump through the same hoops that employees go through becoming more frequent.

The reason it bothers us is it seems that most companies want you to adhere to their hours, schedule and rules, but they don’t want to give you the benefits associated with being an actual employee. This just sounds like to go through for a freelance gig that hasn’t even specified a time frame or price point.

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Craiglist Job Posters – What They Say VS What They Mean

// May 1st, 2009 // 6 Comments » // Funny Job Listings

If you’ve ever tried to answer a job listing on Craiglist, then you’ll understand the employers and job posters don’t always mean exactly what they say… this chart is meant to help you weed through the posts that just aren’t worth answering!
What Job Listings Say	What They Mean
“Intern”	No pay
“Students Wanted”	No pay or very little pay
“Freelancers Wanted”	We don’t want to pay you
“Exciting new business!”	I have no clue what I’m doing
“You’ll get 50% of the profits!”	I have no money
“You’ll get 50% of the profits if you illustrate my book.”	I don’t understand how publishing a book works and I don’t realize that the publisher uses their own illustrators.
“I’m looking for a partner.”	I have no money, but I do have a crappy idea.
“You must bring your own laptop and software.”	We don’t care if that copy of Photoshop is illegal, we don’t want to buy it ourselves and we’re only paying you peanuts anyway.
“Great Opportunity.”	No Pay
“Great for a portfolio.”	No Pay
Negotiable	Lowest bid gets the gig.
“$30,000 – $35,000 based on experience”	$28,000
I would do it myself, but I don’t have the time”	I have no idea how to do this, but I don’t want to pay you much.
“This should only take you an hour.”	I’m only willing to pay you for an hour, so I’m going to insult you into feeling like it should only take an hour.
“I’m a writer working on a comic book and need an artist…”	I have no money and I smell bad.
“You’ll be working out of my home office…”	I’m going to rape your face.
“We are a new up and coming company…”	There’s no we. It’s just me and I don’t have any money.
“In-house freelance gig”	We don’t want to pay benefits, but aren’t willing to give anything up for it. Also, be prepared to be the office outcast… remember, you don’t actually work here.
“Job is paid after it is completed.”	Yeah, sure, we’ll pay you when it’s done, but it’s hard to say when it’s really “done” ya know?
“WE SEEKING MOTIVATED EXPERIENCED OFFICE ASSISTANT WHO MEET DEADLINES…”	WE JUST WANT TO COLLECT EMAIL ADDRESSES FOR SPAM. OR MAYBE I’M REALLY JUST A DOUCHEBAG WHO YELLS ALL THE TIME. EITHER WAY ENGLISH IS NOT GOOD.
“I need a tutor to teach me a program or skill”	I don’t want to go to college or get an aprentiship because I’m lazy. Let me learn everything there is to know in a 1 hour lesson so I can compete with you in your field.

We Don’t Know How to Tweak Our Site, but We Know it’ll Only Take You Five Hours

// April 30th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

They know what changes they want, and they know how long it will take you to implement them. How nice of them to plan your schedule for you without ever even telling you exactly what changes they need done!

From the listing:

We need an experienced web developer to implement changes on our website. We know what we want. We just need someone to make the changes. The site is written in PHP/Dreamweaver. The changes should take no more than 5 hours. We will pay $200 for the project. The changes are straight-forward, but we want someone who is experienced and professional, works quickly and can help us on an on-going basis to upgrade the site once this round of changes is complete. Chicago-area providers only. Our office is 20 min West of Loop at Harlem Ave. BNSF/Metra stop. We prefer that you do the work here on your laptop, but will consider remote work. We need the work completed by Monday, May 5 and it can be done over the weekend. Website is www.trumpetnetworks.com.

• Location: Riverside
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Tweaking a website can often be a large, and time consuming project. There’s no way to know how competent the original designer was without looking at their code. The code could be a complete train wreck, but it should still only take five hours to implement any number of unnamed changes. Oh, and it’s due May 5th – chop chop!!

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Follow Me Around with a Camera – No Pay!

// April 30th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

This listing speaks for itself:

I have a very interesting and legitimate reason to have my own reality TV show, or at least be a part of someone else’s, but I am looking for someone to spend some time videotaping me at work. We can get all this done in a day or an afternoon but need to set aside a chunk of time.

I don’t need anything other than a rough edit of the piece.

Regrettably I can’t pay but who knows where this can lead?!

Thank you!

So wait, I get to video tape you for an imaginary reality show while you’re at work (for what, an 8 hour shift?) and you’re not paying… but it’s a great opportunity! And a “rough edit” meaning that some of the boring stuff is already cut out for you? Because “rough edit” still sounds like more work than “raw footage.” And talk about vague. We’re assuming the legitimate reason you want to be filmed at work is because you’re an exotic dancer with some hideous deformity or mental disorder, so this actually might be pretty interesting. But most likely it’s just someone who thinks they are incredibly interesting, which makes them painfully boring. Also, there’s no mention of it, but we’re assuming this is a bring your own equipment gig.

Also let’s examine this line further….

“Regrettably I can’t pay but who knows where this can lead?!”

Either this person thinks they have a future as a TV celebrity and is going to take you along for the ride…. or they plan to pay you with sex. At least one of those options sounds remotely interesting (but only just barely).

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Photo by Frames-of-Mind

I’M BROKE BUT I HAVE A GREAT IDEA FOR A BUSINESS DO THE WORK FOR ME K THX BAI

// April 29th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Job Listings

Calling a position an internship doesn’t automatically negate any over the top requirements you have of said intern. If you need an experienced employee capable of maintaining high level client relations, be prepared to pay that person a reasonable wage. Just starting out? Why not consider a business loan? If your idea really is great, and you really know what you’re doing, a bank will definitely lend you money so you can pay your staff.

From the listing:

EXPERIENCED PR PROFESSIONAL, WITH MAJOR CONTACTS AND RELATIONSHIPS IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY IS LOOKING FOR AN ASSISTANT/INTERN.

I AM LAUNCHING A PR COMPANY IN PHILADELPHIA SOON, BUT RIGHT NOW HAVE MORE CLIENTS THAN TIME TO BUILD MY COMPANY. IF YOU’RE INTERESTED IN SPECIAL EVENTS, PARTIES, FASHION, CELEBRITIES, MUSIC, ETC ETC — PLEASE SEND YOUR RESUME. THIS POSITION IS VERY MOBILE, SO I NEED SOMEONE WITH THEIR OWN COMPUTER/WIRELESS INTERNET ACCESS (DOESNT HAVE TO BE 24 HOUR ACCESS). I NEED SOMEONE WHO IS COMPUTER LITERATE, A GREAT WRITER AND A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY!

I AM LOOKING FOR A HARD-WORKING, TRUSTWORTHY, DEDICATED INTERN WITH SOME EXPERIENCE IN PR OR PROMOTIONS. I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN ATTEND EVENTS, LATE NIGHT PARTIES, WORK ON A FLEXIBLE SCHEDULE, HANDLE ADMINISTRATIVE TASKS, EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND REALLY REALLY HAS A PASSION FOR PUBLIC RELATIONS AND THIS INDUSTRY.

SOME OF THE DUTIES WILL BE:

- CREATING LISTS FOR CLIENTS
- ATTENDING EVENTS FOR CLIENTS
- HEAVY PHONE USAGE, PITCHING CLIENTS AND SPECIAL EVENTS TO MEDIA
- CONSTANT EMAILING

CAN NOT PAY IMMEDIATELY, BUT WILL PAY AS MORE CLIENTS ARE BOOKED.

So, you’ll pay as soon as someone pays you…. hmmmmmm…….

One other thing – talking in all caps makes you sound like a tool. If you type in all caps, chances are you either don’t know how to use your computer,  you’re not very professional, or some combination of the two.

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